REPORTER: Mr. Charles, good morning to you, sir. May we inquire of some of your time, again, while you finish eating your breakfast?
MR. CHARLES: Good morning, Raoul. And Doug and Lois. And I see you two there: Frank and Kimberly…….good morning greetings to you each…….great to see you each this morning. All the very best to everyone, this New Year. I have some time now. I just need to know when it’s eight-twenty-two, is all, please. What, my dear friends of the fourth estate and colleagues of the human race, do you want to know of what I know today?
REPORTER: As I was waiting my turn to ask you a question, Mr. Charles, I ducked in to use the bathroom and heard someone say that you were going into Iowa on Monday of this month, the 15th, Republican caucus voting night, that there are 99 Iowa counties, and you’d planned mass legal poisonings in all 99 counties. Would you care to comment on this rumor?
MR. CHARLES: No rumor. In fact, you can check our website on your smartphone now. We have a moving chyron up on the Legal Waiver 86.com website above Our Creed with this blog post now functioning as a make-shift Press Release. It was around nine o’clock here in the evening pacific coast time, the last day of 2023, and I was watching ABC television, and the band: Green Day was on for a two song set……could’ve been three, though, as the party had already started, a bit too early it turned out on me……but I digress. I heard those lyrics, so clearly: “I’m not part of the MAGA agenda.” And I found tears in my eyes as I thought of Casablanca and Green Day being the band at Rick’s Place. And I thought of the upcoming Republican Iowa caucus for some reason known only to inspiration. I checked to see exactly when, and was delighted to find that there was still time………still time to give those American traitors and totally worthless Christians, those MAGA Christian Republicans in Iowa, a taste of their Holy Bible God’s Mark 16:18 Poison Challenge. Just need to sign this Legal Waiver is all. We’ve heard the way you talk about us – the way you hate us. Well, we’re sick of your shit……you religious hypocrites of the asshole variety – you MAGA Christian Republicans…….Truth and Justice has found you to be totally worthless…….a better America starts with you being gone.
REPORTER: Do you have any advice for the person who chooses to believe the Holy Bible literally?
MR. CHARLES: Best for those who believe that everyone needs to believe the Holy Bible and Holy Bible God like them to stay home from now on, on Election Day. Consider that to be your Christian duty. That way you can stay safe. Remember: We hate you, and we will gladly give you any deadly poison to help you witness to the world the truthfulness of your Holy Bible God, your inerrant and infallible Holy Bible God.
REPORTER: What about these rumors now, Mr. Charles, those rumors that began the first day of the new year and that are now going crazy circulating within Portland’s music and concert community, that Green Day will be visiting Portland, soon. Can you offer any comment? After all, there have already been reports in the both the underground and mainstream Portland press, Mr. Charles, of you being the source for those Green Day rumors.
MR. CHARLES: Mr. Billie Joe Armstrong is well-known to and in the antifascist community as a giant for a hero. And I greatly look forward to seeing Mr. Armstrong and his fellow antifascist bandmates here in downtown Portland, outside our offices, in Plaza Square, so that I may give each of them – on behalf of all faithful U.S. citizens — a fist bump that’ll be heard around the world. Mr. Armstrong – because he isn’t some American idiot — very well knows that the poison in our American body politic is the MAGA Christian Republican. The MAGA Christian Republican is a traitor two times over, as the MAGA Christian Republican is a traitor to both the U.S. Government and the Kingdom of God. It’s time to go, I say, all Matthew chapter five verse thirteen on these worthless American idiots: these Americans identifying themselves as MAGA Christian Republicans. Let’s now go to Iowa where many of these treasonous MAGA Christian Republicans live. We now have a legal waiver for them to sign. We’re going to prove, once and for all, whether the God of the Holy Bible is fact or fiction.
REPORTER: Mr. Charles, It is starting to be widely reported on conservative news sites that Donald Trump has a personal body odor problem, and that Donald Trump smells like he’s wearing some cologne that combines the essence of canine feces with the aroma of rotting garbage. In fact, things have gone so far with the stench as to have reached the point where The Lincoln Project had to do a video on it. That said, how does this play into the narrative, advanced by anti-fascist organizations like yours, that Donald Trump is a piece of shit for a man?
MR. CHARLES: Before Christmas, there were a number of press reports, regarding Donald Trump smelling like a piece of rotting garbage because of some very powerful body odor problem that he has. And, here, U.S. Citizens for The American Way: Truth and Justice, had sent out a green, nine-inch-by-twelve-inch, Christmas envelope with the following static chyron: MAGA ALERT!… DONALD TRUMP CRAPS HIMSELF… IN HIS PANTS!… SEE ENCLOSED XMAS INFO FOR THE FULL STORY! So, exactly how were we able to accurately predict such an event? After all, there is that photo now circulating about of that Mar-a-Lago employee, having used a plunger, to fish out a pair of Donald Trump’s soiled underwear from a toilet that only Donald Trump uses. Notice the reflection of that weird red Christmas tree in the bathroom mirror? Now look further down to see a portion of what everyone now knows to be page two of the two-page Legal Waiver contract found on the website: Legal Waiver 86.com. Now, say what you will about Donald Trump……but he’s not signing that Legal Waiver. Donald Trump is an American traitor, but he’s no American idiot, like your typical MAGA Christian Republican is. What scared the shit out of Donald Trump for him to be taking a dump in his pants on Christmas Day at Mar-a-Lago was reading the Legal Waiver, and realizing how the poorly educated he loves so much, how they’d be the ones highly susceptible to signing that Legal Waiver. Best those from Iowa, now, start thinking about things real hard, and real slick pig quick. That Holy Bible God in Mark 16:18 who says you can drink any deadly poison and not get hurt at all is a myth and not real. The God of the Holy Bible is a myth – like Santa Claus. The One who really created you doesn’t write books. You need to start thinking like that if you want to start living and not be legally poisoned defending a Santa Claus God. Do you think your typical, zombie-brained, Iowa, MAGA Christian Republican will understand? Will that known fear of death with taking any deadly poison be enough of a smelling-salts for those wanting to still believe that the Holy Bible God is real?
REPORTER: I understand, Mr. Charles – at least I think I do. Those who are MAGA Christian Republican have made a choice. By supporting someone like Donald Trump to be our leader, what theses self-proclaimed Christians have done is gone to the Cross of The Christ with a copy of the U.S. Constitution and their Holy Bible, dropped their drawers, defecated upon the U.S. Constitution and their Holy Bible and, then, these MAGA Christian Republicans didn’t just stop there; no sireee, but, rather, these MAGA Christian Republicans continued with their disgrace and hypocrisy by picking-up and throwing their feces at the Cross and at The One who is nailed there. Totally disgusting. I mean, shit, I can.….
MR. CHARLES: Please, I’m trying to finish up with my breakfast. Not that I’m pooh-poohing your idea – please don’t misconstrue. You’ve painted a beautiful visual that R&D back at HQ just must advance as a graphic design for wearing apparel, and for Mr. Muggs and his Mr. Muggs Mug Line. Shop tab is still nearing completion. I am considering, in fact, adding a replica piece of framed artwork that’s found hanging in my downtown Portland skyscraper office for sale. I am told that there will be a demand. I have my doubts about that, though, to be honest with you.
REPORTER: Big fan, here, Mr. Charles, big fan. Ever since you first got to Portland. Whatever
you’re selling, I’m buying. I say that because there’s all this talk out there now, down in the Rose District, where the old-timers congregate to play chess and tell their stories — the grandparents and great grandparents here in Portland — they’re saying The Torch Network is coming back, that the rainbows won’t be far behind, that The Torch Network has been resurrected. Thousands shall be descending, then, from Oregon and surrounding states to legally poison as many MAGA Christian Republicans in Iowa as is humanly possible. This event is going down sometime either Sunday, January the 14th , or Monday the 15th. The locals are saying that Mr. Charles might be able to comment. Is this true?
MR. CHARLES: When you say: The Torch Network, you are talking about a time in Portland history, back in the 1960s and early 1970s, when a man named Victor arose to popular Portland acclaim provoking fights with fascists and killing them in self-defense – always with his bare hands. He was like some monster. He killed those who deserved killing for what they’d done and were doing to hurt our secular American democracy. And, now, we want to be similar such monsters…….and be like Vic – we’ll just be carrying that two-page Legal Waiver, a pen, and some deadly poison with us is all. And we’re going to be what Victor once was. So, you just better make sure you’re carrying but one measuring stick with you, from now on. Because it’s American traitors who will be found to be carrying more than one measuring stick with them. Now, Jesus Christ told his followers to love their enemies, so where’s the MAGA Christian Republican’s love for Democrats? Totally worthless human beings, now: the MAGA Christian Republican. Let’s now legally poison as many of them as we can, and let their inerrant and infallible Holy Bible God sort them out. We even have their own Holy Bible God’s written permission! Go to the fifth chapter of the gospel of Matthew and verse thirteen and see for yourself! Time to trample underfoot the MAGA Christian Republican like Jesus said. The Legal Waiver on Legal Waiver 86.com is bringing the Holy Bible God of heaven down to earth to live at the North Pole with Santa Claus. Remember: The truth will set you free. The Holy Bible God is a Santa Claus God. Or, fine, all you need to do is sign this Legal Waiver and you can live by every word of your Holy Bible God and publicly prove that your Holy Bible God isn’t a fiction, but is real. I’m not signing. And that is my position for all and everyone to take. In Iowa, though? I’m not even a local Iowan, and already I know of a traveling circus pig named Snowball, from Sioux City, who is definitely smarter and has considerably better table manners than your average MAGA Christian Republican.
REPORTER: I know people from Iowa, in West Branch, Mr. Charles, where the Herbert Hoover presidential library is. Do you expect this massacre of Iowa MAGA Christian Republicans to affect normal library hours?
MR. CHARLES: The Governor of Iowa, Kim Reynolds, could declare a state of emergency, that could affect normal library hours, and would be something that our organization would’ve been unable to accurately forecast to any degree of certainty. I know I just hate that, though. You go somewhere because it’s always open. Then, you get there, and it’s closed, because something weird happened. Sounds like Portland, Oregon, doesn’t it? – Weird. Only place I know of in the United States where you can bitch slap, Joe Rogan, and he’s forced to take it: like a man. Any other questions?
REPORTER: To be honest, Mr. Charles, I’ve kind of forgotten my question, as I haven’t had breakfast this morning. What’s on my mind right now, to be really honest, is ordering myself an avocado bacon eggs benedict as you have, Mr. Charles. Man, did that look like some supremely fine breakfast eating……yum, yum! City State Diner and Bakery rules! Free food for me, right? Granted, this is my first day as a paid reporter, so maybe I’ve just been punked by my editor thinking that that shout-out was a legitimate assignment?
MR. CHARLES: Actually, on behalf of U.S. Citizens for The American Way: Truth and Justice, I’d like to buy everyone in the free press that’s here today: breakfast. Let’s start this new year out right! That smelly Donald Trump and all his smelly MAGA followers: out – thrown, out, and into the dustbin of history. Laugh my ass off. It’s the justice of a poet: poetic justice. It’s…….
REPORTER: Excuse me, Mr. Charles, for interrupting you. You’d requested an eight-twenty-two time check. It’s that time now, Mr. Charles.
MR. CHARLES: My friends, I thank you for your courtesy. Must get my carcass, as they say in Kazakhstan, to the office…….for morning business rituals. It’s going to be a busy day. I’ll be at The Original Dinerant, tomorrow morning, if all goes according to plan. Remember: It’s our side that wins.